Suppressed Pain, no matter what it is from, can have devastating effects many years after the initial wound was inflicted.
In practicing what I have been preaching about (Shame), I am going to share with you what I believe God is wanting someone to hear. I have never shared this part of my life with ANYONE! Not even my wife, until I knew this was what God wanted me to write my next post about. So to God be the Glory, and I pray that whoever this is meant for, that you will see there is hope for you tomorrow and it lies in the name of Jesus Christ!
All of my life, I have lived under a mask. I have always imagined myself as a strong man, capable of handling just about anything that comes my way. The key there is imagined… I have never been that man. Maybe at times, the outward appearance showed that, but when I was alone, I just could not escape that pain.
As long as I can remember, looking back, I have been that way. Deep, dark pain, hidden deep within, blocking any resemblance of light in my soul. All my childhood, I would stand up and defend other kids who were about to get into fights, just so maybe, I could feel a little bit of physical pain to make sure I wasn’t completely numb. Sure, I wanted to help them, but being honest, it was mostly because of me and my selfish desire to feel something. The only thing I every seemed to feel was rage. Anger, so deep, it frightens me to think about what could have been. As I got older, the pain quest got worse. In my middle school years and particularly my high school years, the pain quest became much more intense. As I shared in my testimony post, I drank, and I drank alot. However, there was something that I never have shared with anyone except my wife and that wasn’t until I felt the Lord calling my to write this… and that is I started inflicting pain upon myself. The fights didn’t work anymore and the drinking would only darken the mask that was already on, so I started punching hard things, such as bricks, trees, even glass. I learned how to give myself stitches, I poured alcohol on open wounds, I was desperate to feel anything. My junior year, I even stabbed myself in the leg, just because I wanted to feel. These patterns continued on into my early 20’s. Battles with deep depression, contemplations of suicide, I have experienced it all, and all because I let myself become the victim of the lies of the enemy. Deception is his biggest ally, and life he looks to destroy.
I write this for two reasons, one being God laid it on my heart to share, because I believe there is at least one person out there who can relate to this story. Two, is to bring to life the fact that pain, no matter how small, can hold you captive like nothing else I have ever experienced. Pain is real, and suppressed pain, masked with the appearance of everything being okay, is deadly.
But if you are reading this, and this is your story, or if you know someone who might be going through this, you need to know that there is hope. The pain that you feel, can be removed, it can be washed away, but most importantly it does not have to hold you in bondage any longer. Satan is using the pain to destroy your life, by lying to you, and deceiving you, that you can never overcome what has happened or what you feel. There is a name of a great counselor, the best I have ever met, and His name is Jesus! He came to this earth to do more than teach, He came to this earth for one purpose and one purpose only… to give you hope, to give you a future, to give you life, but most importantly, to set you FREE! He died a brutal death on the cross, baring all of your sins, all of your pain and all of your sorrows. He died in your place, showing you and giving you the one thing you have been so longing to feel… LOVE!
If you are a Christian, like I was, and you are going through this, you need to hear these words and embed them in your heart and mind… You are being lied to by Satan! He knows he can not touch you physically, but what he can do is lie and deceive you and believe me, he does and he will. You must embed within you the Truth of God’s Promises… and that is, He will never leave you, nor forsake you. My favorite Promise is this, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans not to harm you, but rather plans for you to prosper.” I still repeat that multiple times a day to myself. There is freedom in your future and it starts right here. Proclaim your Victory in what Jesus did for you. He has already won the battle and conquered death for you! His love is waiting for you at the foot of the cross!
If you are not a Christian, and you are scared, tired, full of pain, you can have this same hope… you too can be set free from the lies of the enemy and proclaim your victory tonight. Below is how… and My prayer is this for you, that you will find the peace, love and joy that only can be found in Jesus!
Prayer of Salvation: How to become a Christian
To all who are reading this and have not asked God to be your Lord and Savior, let me just say I know exactly what you are feeling. The feelings will range from, complete emptiness, to bitterness and anger. But rest assured that we have all been there. I want to first start by saying that God loves you so much. He counts you more special then the heavens and the earth. He knows all your burdens, all your pain and all your sorrows. He wants to help you, for the Bible tells us that, he has plans for you to prosper. It also says that, he who is weary, cast your burdens to Him and He will make your burdens light. And last but not least, He loves you so much that He sent His one and only Son Jesus to die on the cross for your every sin…. past, present and future. ( 16″For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~ John 3:16) You might say, I have done way to much in my life for God ever to forgive me. Well my friend, that is simply not the case. The Bible tells us that sin is sin… there is no greater sin than the next. There is only one sin that will separate you from God and eternal life and that is denying the Holy Spirit. The Bible also states, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God ~ Romans 3:23. That means you, me, and everyone, except Jesus. No man has walked this earth and not sinned, no man except Jesus. Sin has separated us from God from the very beginning with Adam and Eve. That is why He sent His one and only Son Jesus to bare our sins on the cross. With His blood, you have been bought and paid for in full. He died for all mankind, but it is a gift of eternal life. And as with any gift, you must first accept it in order for it to be received. So today I invite you to join our family, a family of believers, a family that we call the Body of Christ. If you want and feel that the Lord is calling you, please join me in this prayer:
“Father, I know that Ihave broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. ~ Romans 10:9-10